June 22

Well I got a call from my mom that my grandmother was taken to Emerson Hospital - apparently they went to test her blood levels this morning - she was still in bed - and she started coughing and got a nosebleed which wouldn't stop so they took her by ambulance to the hospital. I have a strange feeling about all this.
Mom just called to say that she is OK - she was afraid to go home in case it happened again so she is admitted overnight. She's dehydrated (she forgets to drink and eat sometimes) and still dizzy but apparently she broke a blood vessel in her nose - which happens really easily with older folks - the vessels are so thin they can be broken with just a turn over in bed. She's also on Coumadin, which is a blood thinner which just turns any cut into a faucet. Her BP was 122/65 - which is phoenomenal for a 93 year old.
On top of all that, I went to Babies R Us this morning to get diaper pins for my cousin's wifes baby shower on Saturday. I was cooing over a baby and this woman asked when I was due. I know she was just trying to be nice but it really bothered me. Rob was stunned at the comment and was trying so hard to get me out of the store before I lost it. I think sometimes he really regrets my not being able to have kids, but he'd staple his lips shut before he admitted it to me. Anyway, I ended up getting the jolly jumper thing for mom and she can pay me back, as well as really cute wrist rattles and diaper pins.
Going in that store (Babies R Us) is starting to bother me more than I care to actually mention. I haven't really grieved in quite some time for the loss of ability to have a child, but boy when it rears it's head...yikes. I thought I had come to terms with it, I guess I hadn't. Part of the downside of dating a younger man who, though he doesnt want to admit it, has children on the back of his brain. Usually I can get a "fix" of hanging with a baby and I'm OK, but this is really bothering me. I don't know maybe it's just that I was already worried and on edge from Grammy.
I told Rob that I was getting tired of planning other people's showers. He initially said I was in the wrong line of work - as I love to do wedding shower and party planning. Then I came right out and said it - "NO! You don't get it! I want my own shower. I want to be the one in the spotlight, getting the cool gifts and having people oohh and ahh over what I picked out." He was taken aback just a little, but he said he does understand. Have I pushed him too far? I worry about that sometimes. For fucks' sake I am going to be 39. I know I'm not going to be a blushing bride but come on already. Shit or get off the pot. Damn Am I brutal today, or what?!